Hello Darkness My Old Friend

The above image generated by Gemini seems to perfectly describe how I am feeling right now. I feel like I am sitting at a corner of a dark room. I can see silhouettes of people doing things in the darkness - talking to each other, laughing - and how I long join them, be a part of them. However, there's a huge feeling of estrangement within that has been stopping me from moving away from the dimly lit corner. 

It’s the paradox of the introvert. The "dimly lit corner" is not just my fortress, but it’s also my cage. I can see the warmth of the silhouettes, I can hear the frequency of their connection, but there is a language barrier made of static that keeps me pinned to the floor. This feeling of estrangement is a thick glass wall. I am not shy. I just feel fundamentally different, as if other people are operating on a software that I never downloaded. 

It wasn't always like this. Some time ago, my best friend pulled me out of that dimly lit corner into the darkness. It turned out, the room was not dark at all. The world beyond the corner was actually wonderful thanks to Yati, my bestie. 

The dimly lit corner is not just a figurative one. I really did sit at the corner of my office, at the far back. She dragged me into the middle part of the office, placed me just beside her and I have to say, it was very pleasant. I was happy to have someone talking to me almost everyday. She accepted me for who I was. Heck, she did not just accept me, she embraced the real me. She didn't mind the quiet and she saw a lot of potential in me. She believed in me. She treated me like I was human and not an alien from another planet. 

Welp, that lasted for just a couple of years because last year, she got transferred to another workplace. Actually, she was not transferred. She applied for the transfer. There went my bestie. 

After she left, another colleague came and asked if she could take me desk. If I said NO at the moment, I would be the office arsehole because she's like having disabilities or some shit so I felt like I had no choice but to say YES. Yeah, go ahead. Take me place. Let me just drag my stuff back to the back of the office. Back into my corner. 

So, here I am again. Back into the corner. Figuratively and literally. Without my bestie Yati, the world became dark again except for my dimly lit corner. Just as before, I could see silhouettes of people enjoying each other's company while I just sit here alone. 

It's not that I didn't try. Believe me when I say, I tried to fit in. However, as I mentioned earlier, it's like everyone else is programmed differently. It's like, I'm a robot and my social driver is not installed or got corrupted. I want to fit in but I just don't know how. 

I tried reaching out to my old mates from uni. In the past, I would randomly check up on them. I would text them out of the blue asking, "Hey, how are you?" They would express how grateful they were that I check up on them. It was so nice of me to do so. 

I would arrange meetings. Hey lets hang out this weekend! No worries, I'll come to you! I'll take the one hour train ride to you! Heck yeah, anything just to see you guys again! 

But then I noticed, no one would do the same for me. No one texted me first. No one invited me to meet. 

It seemed like I need them more than they need me. No, remove the word 'seemed' from the previous sentence. 

Okay, I get it. 

They have their own lives now. They have their own friends. They're hundred of miles away from me. I'm just a former classmate, former housemate, former bestie... They moved on and I should too. 

Only Yati now reaches out to me. She texts, she calls. So I should just focus on her rather than cling to other people of the past. 

But yeah, she's not physically here. I tried to hold on but the darkness spread and now I'm back in the same situation as I was before Yati came into my life. 

I guess that triggered me to write again, huh? haha this blog died and now I'm bringing it back from the grave. I guess I just want to distract myself from my loneliness by writing. Maybe this is a good thing but we shall see how it goes.